Finally I managed to bring in two more books from my maternal uncle’s rather precious collection to my closet. It is apparently very messy but has my life confined inside it. From my wardrobe to accessories, from my documents to my nostalgic rubbish: which I can never want to lose and books a lot of them, of almost every genre; Comedy, Drama, Non-fiction, Realistic fiction, Romance novel and Tragicomedy etc.
I seem to have a certain disease of collecting the books and rarely reading them. Not that I can not read (because thinking that would be foolish as I’m writing this..duh) or worse, don’t want to read, it’s just that lately I have not been able to focus, to keep my mind at a point, to drive it instead be driven by it. No matter how hard I try I fail terribly. The reason of me repeatedly failing is not but my own shortcomings on different matters and aspects in in present and from past that lingered on.
Tragically funny part is, as I’ve been trying to continue this blog and up till now I have been distracted 5 times already. My mind seems to have stopped working but in fragments. You can’t blame everything on Facebook or other social sites or apps for that matter, sometimes (most of the times) it’s just you. Your mind aims so much at fighting the demons and ghosts inside that it gets all too weary to perform other chores. You may comprehend this mechanism through the analogy that your body can only perform too much before it begins to tire and then demands you to rest, which, if not fulfilled, will consequently end up in you fatigued and exerted physically. The mind works in pretty much the same way, only if it’s restless, you may find it even more frustrating to rest it by sleeping as you get sleep-deprived and are destined to be limited to just toss and turn for as far as you can remember.
Most people give in and break at this point and as a result they go for unethical and/or unhealthy ways to cater the issue, while some choose to stay and fight on. However the bid to stay on, from the later case, makes them both stronger and weaker simultaneously. On the outside they seem weaker and dark circles around their eyes darken and widen but on the inside, their soul, their insight, their capacity to grasp and contain more, strengthens and this can mean anything from them becoming more thoughtful, empathetic and/or generous to those resorting to be hazardous, unleashed and harmful. Rest is fathomable.
The above stated fact(s) or analogies or theories might not apply or have not begun to effect or gel me in just yet (and if they haven’t, I pray they never) but their signs and symptoms have started to sprout out lately and I swear I can not handle that….(To be continued)
Muhammad Hunain Ameen
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